I spent years going for an eating disorder-and then being told to eat for health reasons. This is what it teaches me | Amelia Tait

wI am a teenager with anorexia and I think it is life imprisonment. I really believe in slogans like “Every woman has an eating disorder” and can’t imagine a future where calories don’t make me sweat. With that in mind, you have to understand that when I write the next sentence, I’m exaggerating: In November 2024, I was diagnosed with “very high” cholesterol.

After years of restrictions, I spent my 20s and couldn’t understand why every meal shouldn’t be the biggest delicacy. This means, last year, I regularly melted a pack of white chocolate buttons on my morning porridge and went out for white chocolate matcha with butter on top, then put a cheese and egg sandwich in the brioche, a piece of cake, fried chicken and fries, saying nothing about bread and butter before dinner and dessert. In short, I crushed it in the recommended allowance for daily saturated fat and loved every second of it. In my opinion, “snacks” are not something that must be won.

I put on a few gown sizes and while it was so “happy” to say I did this, I really didn’t care much about it – certainly not enough to change my eating habits or move my legs.

But things that are mentally healthy are not always physically healthy – maybe I am not mentally healthy as I believe. My recovery is almost as good as my illness. While I used to think I was the superiority of starving, I wouldn’t feel superior to saying “no” to ice cream and never order salads without fries. I doubt healthy diners. Maybe I no longer believe that every woman suffers from eating disorders, but I certainly have the wrong belief that every woman who exercises does this.

It’s hard to shake this mindset, which is of course total defensive – so why I just masked my high cholesterol diagnosis with the word “bragging”. The truth is, my cholesterol results scare me: my family has a long history of strokes and heart attacks, and although I don’t have a pension, I’m in the idea of getting older.

I was first diagnosed with high cholesterol in 2023, when I had a health check as part Our future health Plan and try to swap brownies for flapjacks. I only accepted that after the number jumped to “very high” after a year later, I really had to change my diet and start exercising.

I’ve spent about half a year eating healthier, lower Saturated fat Diet and lower my total cholesterol to “normal” levels (although I’m only in 0.1 of them, so I still have a way to go). The past six months have made me think a lot about our attitudes toward food and health. I am very happy with my mental state now, but very frustrated with the way we are all imprisoned by ambivalent and reductive health news.

First, my doctor didn’t care when I was diagnosed with high cholesterol in 2023 and I believe he wouldn’t be so sloppy if I was overweight. Some people tell us the problem of fat is that it is not healthy, but some people are heavier than me Who has the better cholesterol level. I’m sure my doctor would be harsh if I was “fat”, which is ridiculous because the number on scale should be smaller than the number on my blood test results. But I was barely asked about my diet.

I was also very angry, all because I was taught – and still teach women! – Focus on calories at the expense of nutrition. For many people, a “bad” food is a calorie food – but there are some high-calorie foods that are very healthy, low-calorie foods that are shockingly saturated with fat, or contain nutrients in general. Once I recovered from my eating disorder, I had no reason to limit myself – after all, the world told me that the horrible consequence of eating what you like was gaining weight, and I was proud to stop being scared. Of course, I haven’t forgotten that too much saturated fat, salt and sugar are bad for you, but our culture repeats that “fat is unhealthy” rather than “unhealthy is unhealthy”. The world loves only one skinny woman who can accommodate burgers with extra bacon. Can you blame me for being internalized?

But I think I’m most angry about the establishment of society, so that if you want to be healthier, you think you have to lose weight. Because it’s the sad fact: while full recovery is possible, anorexia never stops waiting for the next opportunity. At the beginning of this year, I downloaded an app to monitor my saturated fat intake and naturally, it also counts calories. At first, I was hoping there was a way to remove this feature, and then – ridiculously soon – I really liked it. I didn’t eat anywhere in the week until I confessed to my husband, deleted the app and broke the spell (if you break the silence, I want everyone to know that it’s easy to do).

I reminded me time and time again that society seemed to have established invitations to me back into my illness. I’ve been on vacation lately and averaged 30,000 steps per day because I like new places to walk. But while I didn’t connect the step count to the energy expenditure, my phone did give me a pleasant alert that I was burning more calories than usual. Why tell me? Don’t tell me. Why should I care about the default assumption?

When I was on a date with the nurse after my “high” diagnosis, she handed me a piece of paper and forbid me from eating “fancy bread.” Due to my history of eating disorders, no one seems to be more sensitive to things.

Ironically, trying to save myself from a heart attack might give me one – if I allow anorexia to take over my life again in pursuit of “health,” I’ll be unhealthy than ever. The rise of “slim” pokes is bringing this information home, never before: because weight loss is still seen as the ultimate, ideal goal. No one seems to care if some of the Jabbers take them away as well Losing hairexperience pain Gastrointestinal side effects,,,,, Not enough nutrition Maintain their bodies, even Reduce the efficacy of contraceptives. Not to mention Vision loss. Again, weight is seen as the most important sign of health, and even pursuing weight loss can and does make people very unhealthy.

But, in the end, not only is society shaking—I am also forced to face myself. After myopia, my eating habits are still an important part of my identity, which is not healthy. When I got the diagnosis, I hated asking a friend to switch pizza reservations for sushi, and then I wanted to say “no” to a small piece of birthday cake at a party in the bar – I especially hated that when I ordered a salad at lunch, a friend copied my words: “Oh, I should be good too!” My defensive, confrontational part still thinks healthy eating and exercise is inherently confusing and unenlightened, and a small part of my brain wants me to whisper, “Get Life!” People who eat five fruits and vegetables a day.

No matter how I publish this article, it is not actually a healthy attitude. Although it’s painful to disclose, I do love to exercise now. While admitting this is against my political beliefs, snacks are actually more fun if you are in an hour, not an hour.

I feel a little sad that my diagnosis means I have to go through a lifetime of thinking again, but to be honest, maybe I never stopped thinking even if I think I am completely free. I’m still stuck on a weird middle ground and I (sadly) feel a little blissful if my pants look looser, but, at the same time, I can fill in a sweet Shop Shop Loyalty card with stampable stamps in two weeks. I don’t have all the answers. But if I wish I could change one thing…that is my cholesterol. If there is a second thing, it is our attitude towards diet and health.